An introduction.

Why am I doing this?Although the name of this blog suggests some sort of egocentric angst of my weight, I'm actually doing this for my general well-being. There are several things that I feel I need to change in my life, we'll call them addictions, and I have no idea where to begin.

All the ways I suck:
The first of several things that I want to change is my nasty smoking habit. It doesn't make me feel good anymore, so why do I keep doing it?

The second is my uncomfortably high caffeine intake. I go through a dozen cans of coke a day! That is seriously unhealthy.

I don't exercise. I get really self conscious about it. I got made fun of so much for trying, that it make getting fat and sick seem like a good idea. People suck. They're always going to suck. I need to learn to make adult decisions. I'm not a teenager. I'm a grown woman and this delusional "If I feel bad about it, it will go away" mentality is completely unreasonable.

I have no enduring self confidence. I can pull myself together occasionally, but I'm generally of the opinion that since I'm a screw-up I should just keep my mouth shut and my head low.

Nobody is my enemy more than I am. I will tear myself down and send myself hurtling into one vicious cycle after another.

And yes, I'm fat. I'm 5'7 and a soul crushing 170 pounds. This is an improvement over the 185 pounds I was at my wedding 2 years ago. Some might say "Wow, 2 years and you only lost 15 pounds." I only shrug. At least I didn't gain any more weight.

I have fairly severe ADD and it's well controlled with medication... but I don't want to be depended to Johnson & Johnson for the rest of my life so I'm trying to find methods of reigning in my own brain.

I'm lazy. No, I'm not just pointlessly flogging myself. I mean I am really, really lazy. Sometimes it feels like I never learned how to be a grown up.

Things I would like to bring into my life:

I would like to take up meditation. I read that it helps with stress, helps with focus and can help you overcome cravings of all kinds.

I would like to build a list of simple exercises that I can do at home during the several hours a day I have to myself.

I want to become a writer.

I want to go back to school. I haven't figured out what I'd go back for, but it would be nice to at least earn a 2 year degree. I always wanted to be a college graduate but I made some poor choices that prohibit that still.

I want to get into therapy, or at least a non AA based support group for the results of being raised in a dysfunctional family.

I want to get back into art. I used to spend a lot of time at it but quit when I wasn't getting any better. I liked painting and drawing. It was soothing.

I want some form of religion. I need to be able to pray to something even if it's just to make me feel better.

I want a stronger bond with my sister and mother.

I want to have a few new friends who I have a realistic and mature friendship with. I do not need people who want to rehash their teenage golden years.

I want to develop a consistent, and complete sense of identity.

I want to be less angry all of the time.

I want to be the sort of person that my parents should be proud of.